CHANGE IN PLANS

Good thing I am so darn adaptable!
Soo, Tonight I am going to sleep over at my friend Moe's.
Yes to not having to avoid roasts! But now I have to be strong at her house.
I think it will be fine. She kind of knows how I am with eating anyways.
And The first basic rule for anyone who trys to use other people as excuses for eating.

BE CREATIVE! If you must lie, make it believable.
&
Truthfully, No one can make you eat. Seriously. What are they going to do, shove it down your throat? I dont think so. Saying No thanks is saying Yes please to thin.

Hales

Ps- as a precaution I am not eating anything atall until I am at her house, and if its fatty, then I won't eat atall.

insomnia

Soo I haven't slept since 10 am yesterday. I'm in bed. I'm trying to sleep. I even worked out at like 5 am to try and get tired. On a positive note day 2 was a sucess , now onto day 3 feeling more determined that ever! Oh yah... buying a scale today!! I'm soooo excited I haven't weighed myself since november. And I was 149. Eww. I know I'm thinner than that I can feel it, in my clothes and whatnot.
Also been suuuuper sick these last few days so I haven't rly been working out but I'm not exactly laying around doing nothing either. So today my dad comes back home & his gf is making a roast. Perfect for me to eat what I want because I hate roasts of all kinds , so I don't need to eat it! Woohoo :). My plan for dinner 2day is one of my 170 frozen smart ones dinner.. so that leaves 130 cals for the rest of the day. I'm thinking something lite for breaky so that way if I feel like picking at foods I have some calories left to do it.

Good luck to everyone else on this journey..

Hales <3

She stares at the food on her plate. At the toast & the butter. Her father & Mother, she pushes away

So Basically It is day 2 of the ABC. So far, nothing consumed. I am going tanning, and then will eat something under 100 cals. I'm thinking a snack bar, or perhaps some ceral. Then later at dinner I will have a salad pita wrap, which comes to just under 400 cals.

So Thats the plan. feeling strong. Made a collage of skinny women and role models on my closet door. (Directly in vision of where I look while I work out on my elliptical).

Stay strong <3

Started ABC today

Forgot to mention that.

:) Day 01. Success.

I'm just doin me & you can never understand it.

So! Sorry I didn't post yesterday. My cousin and her friend had to come spend the night because they had to do things in the city and they could only get a ride here the night before. So I had a little sleep over.
I had a binge with them.
Ugh.
For breakfast I had one of my smoothies, which are around 225 cals. Then I had a ceasar salad pita , which is 250 cals.

Which was fine, thats all I had planned to eat. but then, i made pita chips in the oven with hummus. Not even sure about the cals there. and i had 2 peices of pizza!

EW!! And I didn't get to work out because they were there in the morning ! Ugh! And then yesterday night I ate freakin FRENCH FRIES. UGH.. such a fat ass.
So today I woke up with all intentions of working out, and wow, My cousin gave me her flu. So my throats swollen. Runny Nose. Ugh.

The plus side of being sick is that I told my dads gf that I also feel Nauseous.
So I can puke up all I want in the upstairs bathroom without being judged or having to be quiet. and I also said it's hard to eat. So She brought me a Mama burger frmo a&w ,which i ate, but i puked it up about half hour later.

Other than that I actually don't feel hungry ATALL! So I am going to only drink tea for the next few days and I may begin a ABC or SGD . I have until March 10ish to lose a good 20 pounds. Do you think I can do it??

Ego Poppin' cuz I'm Trippin

WAHH/YAY! So me and Zach are going to Lil Wayne & Nicki Minaj !! On April 28th!
The downside is he is also comign for his bday march 17th, so since this is all reather pricey to be flying out and the tickets are MAD expensive, He's not coming for Vday. It sucks that I don;t get to see him but I figure that is a lot of money ! And Also now I have more time to lose more weight.

Love it.

Hales.

Feeling good.

So the past 3 days I've only been eating healthy foods, and still minimal amounts. My body feels really good. I've been doing my elliptical every morning, and sometimes again at night, plus crunches. And I've been taking 2-4 Apple Cidar Vinegar pills a day also. Annnd I did my nails, toes too, really nice. Plus tanning every single day x2, thats the tanning bed & a self tanner. I got a bunch of new makeup . I feel good. I look good. Not skinny, but I feel like I am slowly going to achieve what I want. It feels good at the end of the day to know I haven't eaten any gross foods. And When i wanted to binge last night, (i always have trouble with eating at night), instead of going for something fattening, I had raw cut p radishes. Which have like barely any cals, and no fat ! I feel great.

I think Healthy food choices really make a huge difference.
Oh yeah, and If you don't tan, you should get one because it makes you look A LOT more toned and thinner.

Hales <3

GTL

Yesterday was your typcial GTL day. Woke up, worked out, went tanning, did laundry later.
Love it.
Today sofar is just GT! But T x 2. Self tanner + going to go in the tanning bed.
Um, today I am going to make a smoothie with real fruit and some fat free yogurt i froze.
Then for dinner a salad pita.

Should end up way under 500 cals.

<3 hales

Today Was a good day.

Feel like im finally back on track.
Today was a good day. Still freaked out about 2 weeks but feel a little more like its attainable. So today I have already worked out once, but I am going to again in about 4 hours.
I also went tanning, and i bought myself some good products for my overall beauty.
And all I had today was 2 peices of sushi. I think thats something like 80 calories. Because one third of the box is 180, and 1/3 is 4 peices so divide by 2..and tada.

I have to eat dinner but I am only taking a tiny bit. I might just not even eat it.

Wish me luck.xx hales <3

Oh MY GOD. HELP

Oh my fucking god!! If you are reading this please post!!
SO IN EXACTLY 15 days, MY BOYFRIEND IS COMING HERE.
I BINGED REALLY BAD LAST WEEK.
IF I GO REALLY HARD FOR 2 WEEKS, like 30 mins MINIMUM elliptical every day, and stay under 1000 cals a day, how much do you think I can lose??
How much have you lost in 2 weeks?
im freakin out

too lazy to blog.

Well my weekend was alright. no major munching, no major unmunching.
I did shrooms last night for my friends birthday.
I was basically out all weekend , im tired as fuck. I did a face mask and now I'm off to bed.

<3 hales

this is what an og told me , filthy rich & dyin lonely - fuck a benz & fuck a rolly - life is what you make it homie

WELL
today I had half a grapefruit. and 2 peices of bread with peanut butter.

good. Don't plan on eating anything else.
Tonight I am sleeping at moe's , i probably wont be on all weekend.
I'm baking a weed leaf shaped rainbow cake for my stoner friend's birthday.

ta ta

I wish to feel smaller under your sheets, I wish for the whole truth everytime you speak.

So today is the first day of the Skinny Girl Diet. Sofar I have eaten 90 cals.
I'm allowed 400.
And I made myself a new rule to help with binging! --> I'm not allowed to eat ANYTHING unless someone is with me. Great rule. No more night binges or day binges when I'm buy myself.
I literally am not allowed to eat even the foods I have planned for the day if I'm alone.

Wish me luck :).
Jersey shore tonight! Whoop whoop!
My friend Kayla is also being a good crutch for me. Whenever I am about to eat she says to txt her. :) and Whenever she is about to cave and go back with her manipulative ex, she will txt me.

Gotta love good friends! & I love how she doesn't even blink an eye or judge me on my eating disorder. I love her.

Hales <3

Fat Fucking Cow

Okay! I have had a terrible couple days! I have been eating SO MUCH, with no regard for calories in anything!! And I've been SO lazy, I have barely been working out!!
So tomorrow I am going to start either the skinny girl, or the ABC diet...
I'll decide tonight. I guess I've been eating and sleeping alot because i've been feeling really depressed. From my lack of job (therefor lack of $), and lack of boyfriend/ best friend.

SO I WILL NEED TO START GOING ON MY PT DAILY AGAIN , AS WELL AS HERE.

No more being depressed & lazy!!
Hales

You love to drink, so do we, grab my bottle & bring it to me!

SORRY! (I'm apologizing to myself) . I didn't mean to be totally MIA but I got really really drunk on Saturday, I drank 2 bottles of wine and a rockstar vodka and baileys, on an empty stomach. It's basically taken me until today to recover.. Yesterday wasn't bad I ate a little bit of poutine, and then a bunch of salad later. But today I feel gross. I ate a chicken salad pita .. Altho chicken salad isn't that fattening in small doses, I feel terrible because I also had fish & chips & salad. EW!

So tomorrow I am back to my normal starving self! I am praying that my dads girlfriend stops cooking for me. She said she usually doesn't cook when my dads not home.
SO THEN WHY HAVE YOU BEEN MAKING BIG DINNERS! Ugh! lol. I am going to resort to saying I don't like _____ . (Whatever she chooses to make).

Anyways im still in this stupid city with no job & no boyfriend.
Daytime television is my nest best friend.

Hales

Ew!

Ugh, So didn't fall asleep until about 11 am this morning! Slept all day, woke up starving, ate 1 brownie, 1 nanimo bar, 1 peice of bread, handful of nuts, and 5 slices of pizza. Not the rly big slices, like the small ones from a 9 inch pizza. but STILL. EW.

I didn't even puke any of it up.. SO pissed off at myself right now..
I am going to just breathe and remind myself tommorow is another day.. but I am so mad at myself.

hales

You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black..

SO. I talked to Zach! He called me at like 2:30 in the morning, I guess he didn't have a phone where ever he was. And I asked him about coming here & stuff. He said he is still coming. I hate being so damn insecure! On a plus note, today I am wearing a shirt that didn't fit me a week and a half ago. :)
Andd today I have eaten, half a pita & 1 tbsp hummus. aka 80 cals! Then some nuts.. So I'm at 220 cals.
I think I am going to make tomato soup for supper. It's super low cal and soup always fills me up.. Or Chicken Noodle (Lipton of coarse!).
Yesterday I ate a bowl of chili. I did all the math and the one bowl was around 500 cals. Not too bad I guess.. Better than a 700 day.
Um, someone on PT posted this link about starvation mode.
It's really interesting so here ya go
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1574882/starvation_mode_dispelling_the_myths.html?cat=5

Anyways, PCE, <3, SKINNY

hales

She doesn't try to be more than shes worth, but she will never be worth anything to you.

Isn't that just exactly how I feel right now.. (My blog title).
Zach never called me last night. Didn't call me today either (yet..) . I just feel stupid. So stupid for thinking I meant as much to him as he does to me.. 4 years.. Wasted! I know I am blowing this up, but I really feel like he's not coming. So I guess for now I will just look after myself, starve, make sure I look nice. Don't be totally rude to cute boys who hit on me (Might as well keep my options open..). I don't know. It still hurts. I'm hurt. How could he be so unfazed by the idea of not being here for 4 months! Of not seeing each other for 4 months! And if it was so important to him, wouldn't he at least figure out the date! I just feel like a royal fucking idiot...

On a good note, i only ate 90 cals sofar today and its 4:12 pm.

Hales.

I believe that life is a prize, but to live doesn't mean youre alive..

Ugh. So today I am just not in a good mood.
I'm so so sad. I keep doubting weather Zach is actually going to move here..
and he didn't call me tonight ? .. So I couldn't even be straight forward and say "If you're not going to come, tell me, because I'd rather get my heart broken now, then wait for you and get excited.."
Ugh.
Didn't go anywhere today. Didn't do my hair. Didn't do my makeup.
ate a kellogs bar, 90 cals. Then I ate dinner, rice & steak chunks in tomato sauce ..
I puked it all up.
Then I ate a peice of carrot cake, a brownie, and a cookie.
Then I puked all that up.
and Now im done for the night..
I just feel so depressed..
I was smelling his shirt he left for me before he left, cause he sprayed it, and I started tearing..
It's seriously just such a hard situation.. and he doesn't even seem phased that he's probably not coming until MARCH . Or after.
How did it go from beginning of February, to Maybe sometime after march!
I understand he has a job but legally he should be able to put his 2 weeks in and go!
and I asked him well, when's your last schedualed shift, he was like "I dont know"
And then I was like "well doesn't noreen (his boss) have the schedule made up on your fridge?? " and he's like "well yeah but thats onyl upto march."

Like what the fuck am I supposed to think of this..

hales

Need to take control of this.

Ugh. So for breakfast I had 2 shots of Baileys Irish cream, my back is killing me!! From all my working out. Then I had a lean cuisine , SO that was 424 altogether.

Then I ate 1 cookie, and a TON of popcorn (air popped but there was butter!! gr.) , then I puked it all up.
Then I ate 4 perogies.
Bad bad bad
:(

I didn't bother puking them up, because I am still puking in that BAG and it SMELLS SO FUCKING BAD! I need to get rid of it ASAP tomorrow.
So I didn't do my elliptical today because of my soreness. :(. Hating myself right now.
But I did go to the mall today, so at least I wasn't just sitting around, I was walking outside and in the mall..

but fuck! 2 nights of binge-purge.
I am going to start taking my apple cider vinegar pills again every day at 6:30, then drink a ton of tea, that should make me feel full.
Its weird though, its like im just eating to eat... because i wasn't hungry.
UGH.

Stay lovely, Hales.

WHAT THE HELL

WHY HAVENT I BEEN ABLE TO GO ON PRETTYTHIN SINCE YESTERDAY EVENING.

Anyone who can answer this and stop my anxieties would be greatly appreciated it!
Every other website is working for me, & same deal with the internet on my phone.
SO i had to find something else to fuck around on last night. Grew some balls and found a website with breast augmentation Doctors in my area. I am going to call to see how much a consultation costs. I don't want huge boobs, but I need mine shaped, I think I have those tubular breasts, not to the worst degree of them, but enough that i just don't like them. I hate my boobs. I only like them when their nipples are hard.
So I am going to go check it out, and I'll ask them what they can do, and if they have payment plans, ect.

So yeah last night went like this after 5 pm.
eat - puke
eat again - puke
eat again - puke
eat again - puke

ughhh! So now i have to get rid of this nasty bag full of puke (because my dads girlfriend was home and would have heard me in the bathroom).

plan on not eating over 300 today.
thats easy.
I got my binging out of my system last night.

Hales <3

2 posts today!

Just for the record, i am having one of those retarded days where I eat, puke it up, eat again, puke it up.

and to top it all off i have to puke in my room in my garbage can because Peggy is home !! which means i have to get rid of this large bag of puke tomorrow morning when i am alone.

Time means Nothing

Today!
Didn't get to go tanning, they're only open till 5. I was going to leave at 2:14 to bus down but I looked outside and there was like over 2 ft of snow EVERYWHERE! So I shoveled a path to the sidewalk, the sidewalk in front of my house, a huge parking space for my dad's gf (a little bitch about that later to come), A path from my front path to the side of my house to the gate, from that gate around my house to my back door, then a big space there, then from my back door to the end of my yard to the other gate! Yay for calories burned!!

Still mad I didn't get to tan. I didn't HAVE to shovel all that snow, and if I hadn't of shoveled her drive, she would have been FUCKED! She has a tiny car. So I ask when she gets home at 3:20, for a ride (its a 5 min drive but a loong walk). "NOPE" Not even a fucking thank you! Not to mention I did the dishes AND folded the laundry.
Like how rude is that! I missed my damn bus so that YOU could park, and you can't drive me 5 minutes?

Seriously. just pisssed me off!
And then to top things off I ate 527.5 , But i puked up the last 170, I'm not sure how to calculate that but still, that seems like a lot to me.
I'm supposed to be doing the 2,4,6,8 diet, but I just cant eat the 6 or the 8 without feeling HUGE!! So I am just going to stick to restricting.

Anyways I'm going to tan tomorrow! and my dad is back tomorrow. Thank god.
(FYI - my dads girlfriend is kind of fucked in the head and doesn't like me because she gets jealous that my dad loves me. I'm his kid you fucking weirdo. and I'm nothing but nice to her. she can go fuck herself!! I want Zach here, so I don't have to deal with her bullshit by myself. :( )

Tanarexic

Woww, I forgot just how awesome tanning feels! It's so relaxing, not to mention being tan makes you look less sick and more toned.
So I bused down to the mall today and got a tanning package. :). I also bought a tank top for 5 bucks. Umm almost bought 2 hoodies that were each too small for me, As a goal marker of some sort, but I don't really have that much $ right now (seeing as I am jobless and all) . Plus I already bought a shirt thats too small for me! So that's okay for now.
It's 5 pm and I have eaten a special k bar. 90 cals. And this mini 1 bite eclair thinger, I know! Bad bad bad. But im def, under 200 cals today (sofar). I figured since I was eying up the damn eclair's I might aswell have one so I don't go crazy and binge at 4 in the damn morning AGAIN! Still feel terrible about that.
So tonight I wil work out on the elliptical and also do crunches, but I'm waiting to shower (I always shower right after working out) because you need 4 hours to let your tan work in with the lotions you use.
Oh! Cutest gay guy EVER works at the tanning place I joined. I love him.

Ciao! Hales

I am a Grenade

Ughh!
SO last night at about 4 am, what did I do? I woke up and BINGED, HARD. I puked it all up instantly but I'm just so disappointed that it happened. As for today I am doing alright. I swayed from the eating plan a bit because instead of eating what I planned for supper, I just snacked all day on little things.. like nuts, ugh and like 10 pretzels. But I am def still at 400 cals, so I'm not worried. But I am SOO tired today. I slept in until 4. I don't know if I will work out later, my whole body is aching, I think I will though, because I hate the feeling of being lazy.

On the plus... JERSEY SHORE MARATHON!!! And new episode tonight!
I love it.

Me and Zach are calling each other after every episode and talking about them haha.
We're cute.

Hales <3

You are the King and I am the Queen

Soo! Day 1 of the 2,4,6,8 Diet.
It went well.
It is 10:35 @ night.
And I am at 200 cals! Woo! Haha. It really helped that I made an eating plan ahead of time, going by what groceries I have. Really smart of me actually because I split the calories up for a breakfast, lunch, & dinner. Then Whatever is left over in gray area is the amount for how much i can have other than the mealtimes. Smart? I think so!
I also did 30 mins on my elliptical this morning, and 50 crunches. Working out right in the morning is nice cause' then I get it out of the way. And it rev's my metabolism for the rest of the day! Also have only been drinking green tea and water.

Oh yeah! Monster Energy Import is only 11.3 cal! So i have a couple stocked up, for when I need them.

Hmm, other than that life is good. My boyfriend called me today, and man. It is really hard being so far away. I can't wait until he moves here in February. I hope he still does. All I can do is hope his mind doesn't change. I don't think it will. I can't wait to be so much thinner when he comes back :) !
But I am also going to have to convince him my eating plan is healthy. Shouldn't be hard because most men (including him) are totally oblivious as to what calories are in what, and health. So he might say "thats like no food!" and I can snap back that all the nutrients are there, and that its the right amount to eat at those times in order to healthily lose weight. Love it.
Love him.
Miss him.
:(.
I have a shirt of his that he DOUSED in his cologne , so thats nice but it gets so lonely at times!!
Anyways

Goodluck to anyone else out there living with this disease.

hales <3

I wish to feel smaller under your sheets, I wish for the whole truth everytime you speak.

Today was alrigght! I went to my cousins last night, and after the night I ended up eating 900 cals. A LOT. But I binged out a bit.. It's so hard to resist when people are showing food in your face and staring at you like YOU'RE the weird one for making a healthy choice.. Well.. healthy..unhealthy.. Whatever. Anyways I lucked out majorly because my Aunt is a workout nut! So she has a fulll gym downstairs. I went for a run on the tread and also lifted weights and did some crunches this morning.
That helped me feel a bit better.
Oh I also puked up a lot of that 900 cals. I know, disgraceful, but it had to be done..

As for the rest of today I ate 380 at her place, then my dad ordered Chinese, which I did have to eat, but I puked it all up right away! So thats nice. I'm going to do 45 mins on the elliptical before bed aswell..

& to top off some great news... My dad took me grocery shopping for food I will eat!
So i got all healthy low cal shit, lots of those lean cuisine frozen dinners, the highest one I got is 270 cals. Which is awesome because I don't really go out often, so I'm going to make an eating plan that puts me in at 650 cals a day, for the next 2 weeks, then I'll go shopping again. If i need to. And of coarse if i don't feel like eating (which I normally don't) , I don't have too. The plan is more of a backup thing that I can use if I REALLY can't resist . . . it's better to have a plan than to go nuts and binge!!

Anyways one more thing, Monster Engery Import is only 11.3 cals!! I'm inlove!!

Ciao ! Hales

Karma is only a bitch if you are.

Greetings! Alright, sorry I didn't post yesterday.
Yep. I'm saying sorry even though no one reads this. Ha ha. SO.
Yesterday I picked up my elliptical, and I did 45 mins last night.
Then I did another 45 minutes this morning. I want to do it again but I'm going to my cousins for a few nights. So I am going to have to just do some crunches before bed, and maybe if she isnt weirded out I can use her treadmill...
We will see!
On an eating note, today all I've eaten sofar is half an orange. 40 cals! woo!
And at the moment am drinking green tea. That won't be all I eat today though because I'm supposed to have dinner at my Aunties. BUT thankfully I told her I don't like meatballs, or Stroganoff (which is true lol, even if I didnt have an eating disorder I wouldn't eat that!)So she said I can just have a 'Smartone' which the highest one I know is about 300 cals. They are tastey and guilt free if you don't eat much during the day.

So CHEERS!
Goodluck to anyone else out there with this disease

Life is what you make it.

Happy new years!! I decided I would start blogging again, keeping track of time.
Where did I go? Why haven't I posted? - Well I was living in a small shack with an electric heater , on my boyfriends parents property! Using their family computer just was not a safe idea for me, because I like to keep my weird demented thoughts about life, myself, and FOOD a secret. But anyways, here I am - 2 provinces away from there with my own computer!

So what will I kick the new year off with? ...

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!
*Lose 25 Pounds
*Go to University

Simple enough.. FYI, I am 5'6 and a half. 146 Pounds. Super heavy!! But I was 165 in May. So I'd say this is a good track. And I can lose a lot faster now that I have an ELLIPTICAL! <3

So here's to a new year.
Goodluck to anyone else who is trying to obtain a goal!

Halo